The Loveable (and Laughable) Fart

In an average day, the average person expels approximately 400 – 2,000 milliliters of oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, hydrogen, and methane from the digestive tract through the anus. Fermentation by tiny, benign bacteria that line yours and everyone else’s colon releases these gases that must be liberated from the alimentary canal on a regular basis. This process is known as flatulence, otherwise known as farting. Despite the hilarity of the fart, the nature of this discharge has many undeniably unpleasant characteristics.

First of all, as you now know, with farting there is the inherent realization that there are essentially thousands of miniscule explosions occurring in the large intestine as bacteria feast on the undigested food being sucked dry of nutrients and water for bodily nourishment. When I imagine this, I picture that one day the bacteria in my own intestine will dubiously turn against me and somehow coordinate a large-scale simultaneous emancipation of gas that will blow my stomach wide-open (at least that is sometime what it feels like).

Second, there is the experience of being extremely bloated. Oftentimes we are put in situations when it would be both rude and inappropriate to expel our rectal aroma to our surrounding area. This situation can be quite uncomfortable as the methane builds in the gut, the result being the feeling that any movement seems like you are teetering on the edge of perhaps turning your otherwise benevolent sphincter into a party favor. Nevertheless, it’s not comfortable, and the eventual breaking of the veritable wind can be just as unpleasant as you try to make sure that no solid or slightly viscous materials follow with the torrent of air now polluting the atmosphere.

Lastly, but most certainly not leastly, but maybe most beastly, there is the smell. Ranging from bratwurst and sauerkraut to the sulfurous olfaction of the rotten egg, the smell of the all-powerful fart has the power to clear even the most retched cast of characters up to a certain radius from the point of deployment. Despite having the ability burn the nose hair off Sasha Baron Cohen’s alter ego Borat, I find that most people actually enjoy their own flavor. Why is that? For me, I don’t actually find the smell relaxing or stimulating, but I still make sure I stop to immerse myself in the extraordinarily scented masterpiece that I have created. Perhaps this is to test the degree of stench before I decide to guide other passers-by into my own personal cloud of putridity.

Despite the utterly despicable properties of the fart as aforementioned, there is one redeeming quality that seems to make it all worth while: its undeniable ability to entertain the masses. Personally, I have never come across a fart I didn’t like. But what is it about farting that makes it so gall darn funny? I believe there are several innate characteristics about the nature of man and farting that make it the ultimate source of amusement:

1. Farts come from a dirty place. When we hear a fart, we all know that the sound we are hearing is coming from someone’s butthole, and the fact that you can make sounds with your butthole is cool, and by cool I mean totally sweet. For me, the fact that I am actually witnessing someone making a sound with their butt, or that I myself am making a sound with my butt that other people can hear is downright funny, and something that is to be shared by all.
2. Farts are unexpected. You are sitting there doing whatever you are doing, and then out of nowhere you hear it. You or someone else farts and it’s almost like a monkey dressed up like one of the Village People appeared out of no where singing “In the Navy” for 3 seconds and then disappeared again. The natural inclination at that point would be to say, “Where in the world did that come from?” Then you realize it came from someone’s buttcheeks vigorously flapping against one another…and you laugh.
3. Farts are embarrassing…and I don’t just mean for the farter but for the fartees as well. Unfortunately, society has deemed it necessary that farts are unacceptable in public situations, and for good reason (ie - you don’t want to smell the turkey Aunt Josephine just ate during dinner while you’re watching football on Thanksgiving). But the fart is embarrassing for so many more reasons than the fact that it is happening in public. They smell, they come from your butt, they can be hard to control, they’re supposed to happen when no one’s around, etc. Embarrassment is funny, usually funnier when someone else is embarrassed, but funny nevertheless.

Examples of embarrassing fart situations: the crowded elevator fart, the executive boardroom fart, the first date fart, the meeting the parents for the first time fart, the mid-prayer church fart, the pre-game coach’s pump-up speech fart, and my all-time favorite, the middle of an incredibly stressful midterm fart.

My contention from this entire discourse is that farts are not something to be ashamed of or to try and hide at any and all costs. Everybody farts. Even the hot girl with top boob farts. You just never hear it because she holds it in for such a long time that her insides feel like they might explode if she laughs or makes any sudden movements. That’s why she’s such a bitch, because her belly hurts from holding in her farts. That’s why it is everyone’s duty to fart as much as possible around hot and bitchy girls. They will laugh, thus dislodging their own fart they have been holding since last week, therefore causing more laughter, making the world a better place. So next time you find yourself in that situation where you really need to dust that crop but don’t know if the crop is worth dusting, believe me, it most definitely is.  ¶ 10:23 AM 0 comments

 
Fall in Boston
Back in the illustration game baby! For my first drawing in several months, I was inspired by the dredges of the New England autumn. I know, I know Cheryl, there are supposed to be a bunch of leaves on the ground, so you're just gonna have to imagine that someone already came by and raked all the other little guys up. I plan on keeping them coming, as well as posting a column or two per week so keep stopping by.  ¶ 6:20 PM 1 comments

  The Splendor of the Top Boob
A couple weeks ago, I was sitting in the living room watching MTV Hits with two of my roommates. While enjoying the musical stylings of some of our favorite artists, one of the new Christina Aguilera videos came on, I believe it was “Ain’t No Other Man.” I really don’t remember how the conversation started, but one of my roomies commented on the fact that little Christina had recently undergone breast augmentation surgery. I was befuddled; I did not know this had occurred. My roommate being the gentleman that he is explained to me that you could tell by the top boob in the very music video that we were watching. Sure enough, there it was. Christina had developed a wonderful little characteristic about her body now known in my vocabulary as the top boob. What is top boob you ask? Well I didn’t know the exact answer myself when beginning this piece, so let’s take a peak under covers and discover it together.
Let’s first examine the very image in question, Christina’s mammaries (I plan on using many names for the breast throughout this foray, but mammary is probably my favorite method of reference).

Here is a recent photograph of the bellowing temptress.
As you can see, her boobs look like grapefruits. On most women you don’t see the circle connecting at the apex of the curvature of the breast as it does in this picture. The amazing thing about this photo as with most instances of top boob is that the funbags in question are not completely jammed up against each other; there is a definite space between. In my recent experience, this is a telltale sign that Christina is exhibiting a classic case of top boob.
Our next exhibit is an obvious examplar of the highly coveted top boob.



This image of Pamela Anderson is a more complete representation of the top boob. The icon shown is an illustration of archetypal top boob because it shows her rack from the side and demonstrates the top boob from an alternate point of view from the Christina picture. Please note the obvious bend of Ms. Anderson’s booby that extends from her ribcage all the way to her clavicle or collarbone. The wonderful thing about Pam’s melons is the fact that the bend is a continuous line. There are absolutely no indentations or notches that would suggest her top boob can only be attributed to the mechanism of a brassiere to push the boobies up and together to create the top boob effect.


In an effort to make this article complete, I need to recognize that not every lady on this planet has the synthetic enhancements of either Ms. Aguilera or Ms. Anderson. It is possible to achieve eye-popping top boob with mammaries produced by Mother Nature. The top boob here belongs to the very talented and outstandingly beautiful Scarlett Johansson. Widely-regarded as Hollywood’s new “IT” girl, Scarlett’s curves are as natural as her aptitude as an actress. Note the subtle cleavage, as demonstrated on Ms. Aguilera, where the mounds rest comfortably next to one another. Also note the continuous line of the breast that shows absolutely no sign of a groove at the opening of her gown’s scooped top, absolutely breathtaking and well done. Although not as defined as the surgically-enhanced top boob, the natural variety can be every bit as tantalizing as it is tormenting to lesbians and heterosexual males.


While the top boob is often a wondrous and magical event to witness, when exhibited distastefully, it can be a horrible thing to bear. Paula Abdul’s quest for the coveted top boob ended in disaster at the Kid’s Choice Awards. Her boobs are so constrained they practically scream, “Paula please, I can’t breath, please let me go!” Ms. Abdul’s effort for a good top boob has lead to a sacrifice of the side boob, which is a definite no-no in boob presentation. Although Paula exhibits some cleavage, her boobs are obviously lodged in an unmovable position, hence what I have determined to be incomplete top boob that gives the illusion that there is a bird flying out of her sternum. For shame!


But let’s not just blame Ms. Abdul. Past carriers of awe-inspiring top boob can also be culprits of the forlorn exposition as is shown above. Now let’s see if you can pick out how our beloved Ms. Johansson has erred in obtaining what I call circus top boob. Constrained mammaries gasping for air...check. Illusion of flying bird protruding from sternum...check. Sacrifice of side boob...this is an interesting one because she still has side boob, but knowing the potential of her side boob and the obvious constraining of it in this image I will say...check. By the look on her face it even seems as if Ms. Johansson herself has the blunder in the back of her mind and can't wait to return to her normal splendid top boob of yesteryear.


It is not my wish to leave you with this image to close my venture into the wonderful world of top boob. Sometimes the top boob is so good, it can be obtained while our subject lays prostrate on the ground. Considered impossible in many circles, our old friend Ms. Anderson makes a return to demonstrate the horizontal top boob. Simply amazing.

In conclusion, there is undeniable reason top boob can be one of nature’s most sought after occasions: when witnessed in its most affable circumstances you are seeing something utterly unattainable. The cases presented in this piece simply do not occur in day to day life. These women do not exist in most habitats and civilizations, and to be honest, the top boob presented here is certainly not as good in reality as is revealed in these images. In addition to being airbrushed, duct-taped, and containing plastic parts, these women are self-loving, narcissistic and generally a pain in the ass, and I would warn anyone who encountered a top boob specimen in the natural environment. So please do not fret ladies, the top boob while wonderful in its entire splendor, has nothing to do with female perfection.  ¶ 5:47 PM 0 comments