The Splendor of the Top Boob
A couple weeks ago, I was sitting in the living room watching MTV Hits with two of my roommates. While enjoying the musical stylings of some of our favorite artists, one of the new Christina Aguilera videos came on, I believe it was “Ain’t No Other Man.” I really don’t remember how the conversation started, but one of my roomies commented on the fact that little Christina had recently undergone breast augmentation surgery. I was befuddled; I did not know this had occurred. My roommate being the gentleman that he is explained to me that you could tell by the top boob in the very music video that we were watching. Sure enough, there it was. Christina had developed a wonderful little characteristic about her body now known in my vocabulary as the top boob. What is top boob you ask? Well I didn’t know the exact answer myself when beginning this piece, so let’s take a peak under covers and discover it together.
Let’s first examine the very image in question, Christina’s mammaries (I plan on using many names for the breast throughout this foray, but mammary is probably my favorite method of reference).

Here is a recent photograph of the bellowing temptress.
As you can see, her boobs look like grapefruits. On most women you don’t see the circle connecting at the apex of the curvature of the breast as it does in this picture. The amazing thing about this photo as with most instances of top boob is that the funbags in question are not completely jammed up against each other; there is a definite space between. In my recent experience, this is a telltale sign that Christina is exhibiting a classic case of top boob.
Our next exhibit is an obvious examplar of the highly coveted top boob.



This image of Pamela Anderson is a more complete representation of the top boob. The icon shown is an illustration of archetypal top boob because it shows her rack from the side and demonstrates the top boob from an alternate point of view from the Christina picture. Please note the obvious bend of Ms. Anderson’s booby that extends from her ribcage all the way to her clavicle or collarbone. The wonderful thing about Pam’s melons is the fact that the bend is a continuous line. There are absolutely no indentations or notches that would suggest her top boob can only be attributed to the mechanism of a brassiere to push the boobies up and together to create the top boob effect.


In an effort to make this article complete, I need to recognize that not every lady on this planet has the synthetic enhancements of either Ms. Aguilera or Ms. Anderson. It is possible to achieve eye-popping top boob with mammaries produced by Mother Nature. The top boob here belongs to the very talented and outstandingly beautiful Scarlett Johansson. Widely-regarded as Hollywood’s new “IT” girl, Scarlett’s curves are as natural as her aptitude as an actress. Note the subtle cleavage, as demonstrated on Ms. Aguilera, where the mounds rest comfortably next to one another. Also note the continuous line of the breast that shows absolutely no sign of a groove at the opening of her gown’s scooped top, absolutely breathtaking and well done. Although not as defined as the surgically-enhanced top boob, the natural variety can be every bit as tantalizing as it is tormenting to lesbians and heterosexual males.


While the top boob is often a wondrous and magical event to witness, when exhibited distastefully, it can be a horrible thing to bear. Paula Abdul’s quest for the coveted top boob ended in disaster at the Kid’s Choice Awards. Her boobs are so constrained they practically scream, “Paula please, I can’t breath, please let me go!” Ms. Abdul’s effort for a good top boob has lead to a sacrifice of the side boob, which is a definite no-no in boob presentation. Although Paula exhibits some cleavage, her boobs are obviously lodged in an unmovable position, hence what I have determined to be incomplete top boob that gives the illusion that there is a bird flying out of her sternum. For shame!


But let’s not just blame Ms. Abdul. Past carriers of awe-inspiring top boob can also be culprits of the forlorn exposition as is shown above. Now let’s see if you can pick out how our beloved Ms. Johansson has erred in obtaining what I call circus top boob. Constrained mammaries gasping for air...check. Illusion of flying bird protruding from sternum...check. Sacrifice of side boob...this is an interesting one because she still has side boob, but knowing the potential of her side boob and the obvious constraining of it in this image I will say...check. By the look on her face it even seems as if Ms. Johansson herself has the blunder in the back of her mind and can't wait to return to her normal splendid top boob of yesteryear.


It is not my wish to leave you with this image to close my venture into the wonderful world of top boob. Sometimes the top boob is so good, it can be obtained while our subject lays prostrate on the ground. Considered impossible in many circles, our old friend Ms. Anderson makes a return to demonstrate the horizontal top boob. Simply amazing.

In conclusion, there is undeniable reason top boob can be one of nature’s most sought after occasions: when witnessed in its most affable circumstances you are seeing something utterly unattainable. The cases presented in this piece simply do not occur in day to day life. These women do not exist in most habitats and civilizations, and to be honest, the top boob presented here is certainly not as good in reality as is revealed in these images. In addition to being airbrushed, duct-taped, and containing plastic parts, these women are self-loving, narcissistic and generally a pain in the ass, and I would warn anyone who encountered a top boob specimen in the natural environment. So please do not fret ladies, the top boob while wonderful in its entire splendor, has nothing to do with female perfection.  ¶ 5:47 PM