Wednesday, November 22, 2006
The Loveable (and Laughable) Fart
In an average day, the average person expels approximately 400 – 2,000 milliliters of oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, hydrogen, and methane from the digestive tract through the anus. Fermentation by tiny, benign bacteria that line yours and everyone else’s colon releases these gases that must be liberated from the alimentary canal on a regular basis. This process is known as flatulence, otherwise known as farting. Despite the hilarity of the fart, the nature of this discharge has many undeniably unpleasant characteristics.
First of all, as you now know, with farting there is the inherent realization that there are essentially thousands of miniscule explosions occurring in the large intestine as bacteria feast on the undigested food being sucked dry of nutrients and water for bodily nourishment. When I imagine this, I picture that one day the bacteria in my own intestine will dubiously turn against me and somehow coordinate a large-scale simultaneous emancipation of gas that will blow my stomach wide-open (at least that is sometime what it feels like).
Second, there is the experience of being extremely bloated. Oftentimes we are put in situations when it would be both rude and inappropriate to expel our rectal aroma to our surrounding area. This situation can be quite uncomfortable as the methane builds in the gut, the result being the feeling that any movement seems like you are teetering on the edge of perhaps turning your otherwise benevolent sphincter into a party favor. Nevertheless, it’s not comfortable, and the eventual breaking of the veritable wind can be just as unpleasant as you try to make sure that no solid or slightly viscous materials follow with the torrent of air now polluting the atmosphere.
Lastly, but most certainly not leastly, but maybe most beastly, there is the smell. Ranging from bratwurst and sauerkraut to the sulfurous olfaction of the rotten egg, the smell of the all-powerful fart has the power to clear even the most retched cast of characters up to a certain radius from the point of deployment. Despite having the ability burn the nose hair off Sasha Baron Cohen’s alter ego Borat, I find that most people actually enjoy their own flavor. Why is that? For me, I don’t actually find the smell relaxing or stimulating, but I still make sure I stop to immerse myself in the extraordinarily scented masterpiece that I have created. Perhaps this is to test the degree of stench before I decide to guide other passers-by into my own personal cloud of putridity.
Despite the utterly despicable properties of the fart as aforementioned, there is one redeeming quality that seems to make it all worth while: its undeniable ability to entertain the masses. Personally, I have never come across a fart I didn’t like. But what is it about farting that makes it so gall darn funny? I believe there are several innate characteristics about the nature of man and farting that make it the ultimate source of amusement:
1. Farts come from a dirty place. When we hear a fart, we all know that the sound we are hearing is coming from someone’s butthole, and the fact that you can make sounds with your butthole is cool, and by cool I mean totally sweet. For me, the fact that I am actually witnessing someone making a sound with their butt, or that I myself am making a sound with my butt that other people can hear is downright funny, and something that is to be shared by all.
2. Farts are unexpected. You are sitting there doing whatever you are doing, and then out of nowhere you hear it. You or someone else farts and it’s almost like a monkey dressed up like one of the Village People appeared out of no where singing “In the Navy” for 3 seconds and then disappeared again. The natural inclination at that point would be to say, “Where in the world did that come from?” Then you realize it came from someone’s buttcheeks vigorously flapping against one another…and you laugh.
3. Farts are embarrassing…and I don’t just mean for the farter but for the fartees as well. Unfortunately, society has deemed it necessary that farts are unacceptable in public situations, and for good reason (ie - you don’t want to smell the turkey Aunt Josephine just ate during dinner while you’re watching football on Thanksgiving). But the fart is embarrassing for so many more reasons than the fact that it is happening in public. They smell, they come from your butt, they can be hard to control, they’re supposed to happen when no one’s around, etc. Embarrassment is funny, usually funnier when someone else is embarrassed, but funny nevertheless.
Examples of embarrassing fart situations: the crowded elevator fart, the executive boardroom fart, the first date fart, the meeting the parents for the first time fart, the mid-prayer church fart, the pre-game coach’s pump-up speech fart, and my all-time favorite, the middle of an incredibly stressful midterm fart.
My contention from this entire discourse is that farts are not something to be ashamed of or to try and hide at any and all costs. Everybody farts. Even the hot girl with top boob farts. You just never hear it because she holds it in for such a long time that her insides feel like they might explode if she laughs or makes any sudden movements. That’s why she’s such a bitch, because her belly hurts from holding in her farts. That’s why it is everyone’s duty to fart as much as possible around hot and bitchy girls. They will laugh, thus dislodging their own fart they have been holding since last week, therefore causing more laughter, making the world a better place. So next time you find yourself in that situation where you really need to dust that crop but don’t know if the crop is worth dusting, believe me, it most definitely is. ¶ 10:23 AM
In an average day, the average person expels approximately 400 – 2,000 milliliters of oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, hydrogen, and methane from the digestive tract through the anus. Fermentation by tiny, benign bacteria that line yours and everyone else’s colon releases these gases that must be liberated from the alimentary canal on a regular basis. This process is known as flatulence, otherwise known as farting. Despite the hilarity of the fart, the nature of this discharge has many undeniably unpleasant characteristics.
First of all, as you now know, with farting there is the inherent realization that there are essentially thousands of miniscule explosions occurring in the large intestine as bacteria feast on the undigested food being sucked dry of nutrients and water for bodily nourishment. When I imagine this, I picture that one day the bacteria in my own intestine will dubiously turn against me and somehow coordinate a large-scale simultaneous emancipation of gas that will blow my stomach wide-open (at least that is sometime what it feels like).
Second, there is the experience of being extremely bloated. Oftentimes we are put in situations when it would be both rude and inappropriate to expel our rectal aroma to our surrounding area. This situation can be quite uncomfortable as the methane builds in the gut, the result being the feeling that any movement seems like you are teetering on the edge of perhaps turning your otherwise benevolent sphincter into a party favor. Nevertheless, it’s not comfortable, and the eventual breaking of the veritable wind can be just as unpleasant as you try to make sure that no solid or slightly viscous materials follow with the torrent of air now polluting the atmosphere.
Lastly, but most certainly not leastly, but maybe most beastly, there is the smell. Ranging from bratwurst and sauerkraut to the sulfurous olfaction of the rotten egg, the smell of the all-powerful fart has the power to clear even the most retched cast of characters up to a certain radius from the point of deployment. Despite having the ability burn the nose hair off Sasha Baron Cohen’s alter ego Borat, I find that most people actually enjoy their own flavor. Why is that? For me, I don’t actually find the smell relaxing or stimulating, but I still make sure I stop to immerse myself in the extraordinarily scented masterpiece that I have created. Perhaps this is to test the degree of stench before I decide to guide other passers-by into my own personal cloud of putridity.
Despite the utterly despicable properties of the fart as aforementioned, there is one redeeming quality that seems to make it all worth while: its undeniable ability to entertain the masses. Personally, I have never come across a fart I didn’t like. But what is it about farting that makes it so gall darn funny? I believe there are several innate characteristics about the nature of man and farting that make it the ultimate source of amusement:
1. Farts come from a dirty place. When we hear a fart, we all know that the sound we are hearing is coming from someone’s butthole, and the fact that you can make sounds with your butthole is cool, and by cool I mean totally sweet. For me, the fact that I am actually witnessing someone making a sound with their butt, or that I myself am making a sound with my butt that other people can hear is downright funny, and something that is to be shared by all.
2. Farts are unexpected. You are sitting there doing whatever you are doing, and then out of nowhere you hear it. You or someone else farts and it’s almost like a monkey dressed up like one of the Village People appeared out of no where singing “In the Navy” for 3 seconds and then disappeared again. The natural inclination at that point would be to say, “Where in the world did that come from?” Then you realize it came from someone’s buttcheeks vigorously flapping against one another…and you laugh.
3. Farts are embarrassing…and I don’t just mean for the farter but for the fartees as well. Unfortunately, society has deemed it necessary that farts are unacceptable in public situations, and for good reason (ie - you don’t want to smell the turkey Aunt Josephine just ate during dinner while you’re watching football on Thanksgiving). But the fart is embarrassing for so many more reasons than the fact that it is happening in public. They smell, they come from your butt, they can be hard to control, they’re supposed to happen when no one’s around, etc. Embarrassment is funny, usually funnier when someone else is embarrassed, but funny nevertheless.
Examples of embarrassing fart situations: the crowded elevator fart, the executive boardroom fart, the first date fart, the meeting the parents for the first time fart, the mid-prayer church fart, the pre-game coach’s pump-up speech fart, and my all-time favorite, the middle of an incredibly stressful midterm fart.
My contention from this entire discourse is that farts are not something to be ashamed of or to try and hide at any and all costs. Everybody farts. Even the hot girl with top boob farts. You just never hear it because she holds it in for such a long time that her insides feel like they might explode if she laughs or makes any sudden movements. That’s why she’s such a bitch, because her belly hurts from holding in her farts. That’s why it is everyone’s duty to fart as much as possible around hot and bitchy girls. They will laugh, thus dislodging their own fart they have been holding since last week, therefore causing more laughter, making the world a better place. So next time you find yourself in that situation where you really need to dust that crop but don’t know if the crop is worth dusting, believe me, it most definitely is. ¶ 10:23 AM
